Saturday. No, its Friday

I don't' know why but it feels like a Saturday. 

I have finally sat down but what I have been doing since this morning I cannot tell you. I think I over watered my Jade so I replanted it and tried to stake it up but I am not going to hold my breath. Drat! I have had that Jade for about 5 years and it was thriving. What else? I committed the ultimate sin and used oven cleaner on the outside of my Staub Dutch oven. It was my mom's and it was getting grimy and stained. I used as much elbow grease as I could muster and it didn't touch it. The over cleaner worked like a charm. I soaked it in a sink of water after to ensure that all the oven cleaner was off. It is shiny and almost stain free now.  I must have done other things because it is now 1:45 and I got up at 9:00 ish. Oh! I had my Zoom group for women who have lived with domestic violence.The topic today was how does trauma affect laughter, humour, and joy.

I think I have now seen enough Olympics for four years. I absolutely loved this Olympics. When I was growing up athletes would throw temper tantrums or were completely stoic They were all so serious. It was the time of, "Never, Never, (was there another Never?) Stop and, No Pain, No Gain. Athletes rarely interacted with athletes from different nations. What I am seeing now is a generation of adults that do not take themselves so seriously, they cheer on, hug, and encourage athletes from different countries. They seem to be more self-aware, kind, sensitive, and definitely are having more fun. I know people shit on the Millennials but I have great hope for them.

My next cataract surgery is on Wednesday. woot! Can't wait. I can see out of my left eye better then I have ever in my life. The opthomologist told me would but I didn't believe him. Science and Technology may be moving faster than a ran away train and can be scary but there are very good things happening.  

Yesterday I made the best chicken vegetable soup from leftovers. I wish I knew what I put in it now because it was delicious and I know I never will be able to recreate it. I have also had soups that were so bad that and had to be thrown out. Have you ever made a soup like that? You keep adding things to see if you can improve it but it just keeps getting worse and then you feel guilty for wasting an entire soup because its inedible.

Going to see Dead Pool and Wolverine tomorrow. I think I am the only adult female my age that likes Marvel. It is what my son and I do together. We love Marvel. 

Alright. I want a nap but it is too late in the day so I need to go find something to do or I will just keep getting more and more tired.  Happy Friday!

It Sounds Weird When I Say It

I was born sensitive. It defines me. I have been told my whole life that I am too sensitive. Being attune to the thoughts and feelings of others is hard. It can also be intense and beautiful. I believe the earth is energy and we can change the world when we send good energy to others. Yes. Good thoughts. I believe just the power of sending another person a good thought changes the energy of the planet in some way. It is thing called LOVE I guess. What am I even talking about? Oh, yes. The Olympics. I know it sounds weird but I can physically (and spiritually too I guess) feel the energy of the earth change during the Olympics, whether I am watching or not . It is many, many different countries participating and though we love when our team wins we also love to cheer on others. I was seriously girl crushing on the woman from Azerbaijan during the Hammer Throw. We all held our breath when the pole vaulter from Sweden broke his own world record. I almost stood up and one point. I cried when he hugged his mom and dad. I was just so happy for them. And when the Canadian Hammer Throw guy from my community won gold I was just so proud that he looked like such a nice guy and how much fun he was having with his competitors and how they seem more like buddies. The Olympics is something that unites us every four years. It is mostly the Summer Olympics that I feel this but this time it is strong. There is a camaraderie. Is this a post-COVID thing? Because I have never seen athletes even acknowledge each other beyond a handshake or a hug. The athletes this time are so excited when a competitor wins. (Watch the men's pole vault.) Anyway, I like this feeling. I know I am going to be sad when the Olympics end. I know it is a cash grab. I know there are dark parts of Olympic history. I know the Olympics cost the hosting community in the billions. I get angry at the misrepresentation between First and Third World countries. (Don't get me started.) And yet, we have to do this. We have to. We need to be reminded that we are all connected. Each and every one us and Country really is meaningless. I won't quote that great John Lennon but it certainly is easier to during the Olympics.

Pyrex, New Book, and Anxiety

I bought myself a gift and am very happy. I have been using my mom's old Pyrex and it is time for it to go. I love this set and wish I could use it forever but the paint is lead based. It was a gift from my aunt when my mom got married in 1966. It is extra special because even though both our moms are gone we still stay in contact. Whenever I use it I think of her and my aunt and my mom. However, it is unsafe. The lead paint is wearing so they need to be replaced. One bowl broke about 10 years ago and I am going to donate (or sell) the orange and yellow ones. People collect this stuff. The big one will be kept for fruit as the lead paint is on the outside and I know to be careful. But what I am excited about was this deal at Amazon.

 

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It was only $30.00 so I was expecting it to be crappy but its not. I mostly need the large one for making sourdough but the other ones are going to be useful to. I thought for sure I was just going to donate the utensils but they are awesome too. It feels like Christmas! 

I also ordered this. Has anyone read it? I cannot wait for my second eye surgery to be done next week. I will be able to read a book for hours and hours instead of five minutes at a time. 

Not only will I be able to read and read but I will be able to do cross stitch (with reading glasses) again. I tell you, being cataract free feels like I have been let out of jail. Even with just one eye done I am seeing the world differently. It is one of the best things that has happened to me in the last five years.

I did not make it to my daughter's today but in my defense there was a block party going on on my street and there was no f-ing way I could go to that but now I had to get by all the people who were literal feet from my car. These people are so out of my league. They are wealthy and successful. I live in a basement suite and not employed at the moment. I get so anxious around people but successful people really remind me how I feel like I have failed. The are all so polished. They all look 10 years younger than they are and I look 10 years older. I even have the gratuitous zit on my cheek today. Clear skin for months and months but the day of the neighborhood block party? Remember I am 53! A zit. Not a pimple. A zit. With a head and everything. One of those one's you can't help but to look at it. Like a car accident. I just could not go to the block party. I know. I know But don't tell me that you have not felt the same way. Insecurity is part of the human condition. Or at least the people who are not narcissistic. So... I did not see my daughter(s) today but they both have anxiety too. Bonus daughter's husband deals with major anxiety so they were sympathetic. I can't tell you what a gift that is. For space to be held for someone when anxiety takes over. I am going to set a goal to go out tomorrow to run a load to the thrift store. I will not go in. No I will not. I might. But shouldn't. But could.
 

My Life

I started a new medication. This is the first time I have felt hopeful in a very long time. 

 

So here is the scoop. I don't go out unless I absolutely have to. I went out on Friday to pick up my groceries. The time  before that was to get my groceries the previous Friday. This is a source of embarrassment and shame. It is not that I never go out. I do. But it has to be a place that I know is safe. I have to be able to leave when I am ready. If it is a person's home they likely will have to know me very well and I know them. Do you want to know the dark secret? I am afraid that if I am in someone's home they are going to kill me. Or I am going to be hurt. Like everyone has an agenda. I cannot trust anyone. I know the ridiculousness of my words. I know that these unreasonable thoughts are making my world smaller and smaller which leads to poorer mental health. I continue with a therapist that is like my sister. Soul sister. She and I are only a few months apart in age and I met her about 7 years ago as she deals specifically with women who live with and have left domestic abuse. I will never stop being grateful for how gently she guides me and shows me the answers that are inside of me already. I go to a group support weekly. I practice Mindfulness, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and many other scientifically backed forms of therapy. And yet, wellness eludes me. In so many ways I have come so far. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I have dived into my past and have been digging up things long buried. I have acknowledged that I was living in total denial about life after my biological father left. I have dealt with my mom's trauma. I have dealt with my grandmothers trauma. I reach out to my children often and apologize for the things I did not see. And there are so, so, so, many things I did not see. Or things that I did see but was so deep in myself that there was no way out.* I have come so far with healing and it feels like I can see wellness right in front of me but just can;t get there. The new medication is buspirone. It is apparently a game changer for many people. I hope so. Because right now this is no life. 

Cool thing. A kid from my community just won gold for men's hammer throw. He looked like he was having a blast. Good for him. 

Yes,  I have been watching the Olympics. Should we talk about the Canadian's uniform courtesy of Lululemon? I must be getting old because they look like they are stabbing victims. There. I said it. 

If all goes well I am going to meet my daughter and bonus daughter for a couple hours tomorrow. I am already anxious and looking for reasons to cancel. I hate this. Two people whom I love most in this world and I have anxiety about going out. Now that I have posted it here I am going to have to push myself. It's a good motivator.

 

*I am also coming to terms that I was in a cult. Bill Gothard if that means anything. So I also live with existential terror and that I am going to hell. Not the fun, "see you there" kind but real burning in hell, alone, terror and torture. There is actually a Facebook group for us. We are all so fucked up.

Blogging is Hard

I used to be able to blog so easily but I have to admit I am finding it challenging. First, every time I leave a blog page I have to sign in again. I have no idea how to fix that. The other issue is not having any idea what to post. I wanted to start again more as a journal but I realize that I am just so unhealthy still. Everything I want to write about is sad and depressing. It makes me realize how far I have to go. I left domestic over five years ago and most days I struggle greatly. Broken beyond repair and I do not know how to get better. It is a lot some days. Most days.

I did make saurkraut this morning. I have tried four times now and have met with failure. Too salty. Mold. This time I think I got it right. I have been making sourdough for a couple years now and I have finally figured that out how to make the perfect loaf. It is a fussy bread. Oh, I make my own Greek yogurt now too. I have learned a lot about gut health and have been fermenting all sorts of things. However, my place is small and the smell of fermenting is overpowering so I can't do it anymore. That sourdough bread though. Yum!  So very delicious. Fingers crossed that the fermenting sauerkraut smell is bearable. I can tell you for sure that kimchi is rank!. 

I am going to try to be more authentic with my posts. Domestic violence leaves a legacy of shame. I hid it and hid it well from family and friends. And you? There is shame of how I live now and how little hope I have for the future. It is a big shame sandwich. 

Here is Poppy.You think she is cute, don't you? Her cuteness is surpassed only by her evilness. Look at that face. I just want to hug and kiss her so hard! That belly! gah! I am powerless over loving her and her wickedness.

That is it for today. Thank for reading. Please leave a comment so I can connect to your blogs again. I have missed this way more than I knew.

Canadians, Cataract Surgery, and Fear

 First off. The entire Canadian woman's soccer team should be disqualified for cheating in the Olympics. Even if they did not know the coaches should understand that when they cheat it will have far reaching consequences. I used to be so proud to be Canadian but in the last 5 years I see selfishness, greed, and narcissistic behaviors. I am glad, fortunate, and will be forever grateful to be Canadian but I am no longer proud to be Canadian.  

And yes! I had cataract surgery and I cannot believe the difference! I have only had my left eye done and now when I look through my right everything is in sepia. With my new bionic eye (more about that in a sec) everything is so clear and bright. I forgot how white white is. I am so excited to get the other eye done next month. As for a bionic eye, I also have something called Fuchs dystrophy so I really needed to get a lens that would fix that, the cataracts, and my severe astigmatism. In Canada, a basic lens is covered for cataracts but that would still leave me with an astigmatism and the need for glasses anyway. The surgeon is probably one of the most empathetic doctors I have ever met. He suggested that I get the upgrade but I told him that there was no way I could afford but wish I could because it will save me in the long run on my stupid expensive glasses prescription because of my astigmatism. Anyway, I told him my situation and wondered if I could make payments. What he did instead was something called Compassion Lenses for people in financial difficulties. So that is how I got the bionic lens. I have perfect vision in my left eye now. Everything is clear and crisp. I don't have an astigmatism anymore! I am so happy and grateful, grateful, grateful. 

Fear. I am going to open my own business. I am. I am scared though. I am so afraid of what my future holds. I will never be able to retire. I will have to pay rent for the rest of my life. Currently, my rent is 50% of my income. What will that look like when I am old? Anyway, if this fails I really don't have anymore options and it will put me in a worse place I am now. I am fearful anyway but opening my own business is extra scary. The thing is, I know I am going to be successful but I need help getting there. In B.C. where I live there is a program for people living with disabilities (I have C-PTSD diagnosis) to help them open their own business. I have applied for this and fingers crossed I will be accepted into the program. 

I am attaching a link for a video of a person living incarcerated in the Florida for almost 40 years. It is very clear in his six minute video that he his not guilty. His own warden must think so because he let him make a video in the first place. I wrote to this man asking more about his case and he is desperate for his video to be shared. I told him I would so I am sharing it now and hoping you can too. He is 60. He has been in prison for almost 40 years for a crime he obviously did not commit. His story needs to be heard. (I started writing to women living incarcerated a while back and that is how I came across his case.)

 

       

 

 

 https://freeleon.com/the-evidence/

 

Also, if you are not able to comment send an email to birdieisbloggingagain @gmail.com (no space)

 

The Bright and Funny Side

 

Just in case you think it all doom and gloom at Birdie’s place I will say you might be right. But there is a bright side. Enter Poppy. (Norbert exited a while back now. He was Norbert himself until the end.  I miss him.) But Poppy. She is a cat of course.  She is a WTF on paws. She is always in a bad mood. Did you know there is a such thing as a Covid Cat/Dog. It is a pet that people got during Covid. Apparently, there are all a little fucked up. Like anti-social. My sister got a dog during Covid and it’s “fine as you don’t move really fast”. Yeah. So Poppy is always in a bad mood, but she is also the smartest cat I have ever had. She ‘high fives’ and plays fetch. Sometimes she looks at me and I can tell that she is thinking, sorting things out. If any cat was going to murder me, it will be Poppy. She is the first truly evil cat I have ever met. Jekyll & Hyde in a cat. Sometimes I am just sitting and will feel that feeling of being watched and I will look around and Poppy will just be staring at me. It’s freaky. When she is mad, which is all the time she goes after my plants. Everything, and I mean everything is on her terms. God forbid anyone pick her up. Hisses. Don’t even look like you are going to pick her up. You get hissed at for that too.  She is the clusiest cat I have ever owned. She falls off her scratching post at least once a day. When she runs she hits the wall. The fur on the bottom of her feet make everything slippery so when she tries to jump she falls off whatever she was trying to jump on too. She is a Norwegian Forest Cat but she has no outdoor skills whatsoever. Her fur is long, dense, and like silk. She only sheds twice a year, but a shed can take weeks. During that time, she needs to be brushed a lot. She hates being brushed and it is a constant fight. Her nails? OMG. I just go in the direction of her nail clippers, and she gets mad. Everything with her is Drama. Full on constant house full of teenagers but in cat form. You never know what is going to set her off. But at the same time. She is so cute. Like that face! I just want to …. I don’t know. You know. Like why is her face so cute? Arrrcccgggh! I am powerless. I would never put up with these behaviours in a dog but apparently cats have different laws. And they do. Think about every asshole cat you have ever owned and think if you would put up with that behaviour in a dog. Cats rule. They do. They are working on the pinnacle of evolution. If it wasn’t for Bob Parker (Rest in Peace, you dear old man) cats would have taken over years ago. 

 

Typing Fives

I have been trying to write a post now for two days but my small laptop went bonkadoodle and would only type 5's. In fact, I wasn't even typing. It was typing itself. 5555555555555555555555555's forever. Another laptop bites the dust. Thankfully I have the important stuff on my iPad or I would have lost everything not for the first time. I really dislike android. 

So how do you start writing a blog when you have not written in years? How about why I stopped. (Short answer - My ex was reading my blog posts and using them to manipulate me.)

Long answer - I left domestic abuse just over 5 years ago with just my clothes and a few personal belongings. It took me 12 years to finally see I was living with an abuser. It took another 2 to realize he is a Narcissist. He took me for everything. He now lives in our family home and I am living in a basement suite. I no longer have a pension, savings or anything that will sustain me in the future. I was and still am afraid of him. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and have been in therapy ever since. It is funny with healing. After I left I manged to go back to school at 51 and get my diploma in Recreation with a specialty in Gerontology. I have lost 50 pounds playing a long game. It has taken me 3 1/2 years but I am doing it with a solid, healthy, nutrition packed diet. People look at me and say I am an inspiration. I am not. Inside, I am broken.Please don't say I am not. Because broken is the only word I can use to describe how I feel.

I can go to work but I have a lot of trouble going out. I have panic attacks and am always, always looking over my shoulder. I won't let people take my picture because I don't want him knowing anything about my life if it ends up on Facebook. Being with him has changed me to my core. I no longer see the world in the same way. I see it in two halves. The people who want to make this world a better place through kindness, empathy, and compassion. Then there are the narcissists who are only capable of taking. They will walk over the others and enjoy it. They will manipulate, lie, and cheat to ensure their own needs are being satisfied. They are the people who are making this world the shit-hole, dumpster fire it currently is. I don't like seeing the world that way. So black and white. I used to trust people from the start and now I start off not trusting. I evaluate everyone I meet. 

Therapy has helped a lot. EMDR has been especially helpful. I am on a wait list for ketamine therapy. I think I have come to a point realizing I never will be well. Which I why need to write again. My head is never quiet or empty. I am hoping writing will help. 

 That is it for now. Guys, I am getting DMEK surgery for cataracts and Fuchs dystrophy on July 17.  This whole post is somewhat blurry so I am apologizing in advance for typos.

Birdie's Back

I have not done this in so long. I tried for almost a week to think of a name for this new blog but I could not come up with anything. My Mind is Blank. The irony. My mind is never blank. It is always on. And that is why I need to write.

I actually was looking at a blog I started in 2004. Wow! I have no idea how to do anything bloggy anymore. I don't even know how to change the look of this page. I will figure it out but technology is not the same as it was 20 years ago.

So welcome to my new blog. I will continue to use the name Birdie. I am really hoping this can be my safe place to write. I miss writing. A lot. 

Leave a comment and let me know you are here so I can read your blog. I am just way too old and tired to open up my old blogs and click through them all and try to figure out who is still blogging and where.